The man I pretend to be
by Arianna-rules
Summary: Luthor based AU. Christmas brings back some haunting memories for Clark Luthor.


**Title: The man I pretend to be**

**Rating: PG/T**

**Spoilers: None**

**Summary: **Luthor based AU. Christmas brings back some haunting memories for Clark Luthor.

**A/N: **A take on the kind of childhood AU Clark must have had in the Luthor household and how and why he became what he became. Enjoy and don't forget to leave reviews and let me know what you thought about it.

**The man I pretend to be**

As soon as the chopper landed on the helipad at the rooftop of Luthor Mansion and Clark's feet hit the ground, a tall figure rushed towards him in the dark.

"Good evening and Merry Christmas Mr. Luthor," the man said loudly to be heard over the noise created by the helicopter.

"Good evening Davison," Clark replied coldly, ignoring the Christmas part of his greeting, "What are you doing here?"

"Your father has informed me that he won't be able to return from Switzerland before the end of this week, he has asked you to attend the Christmas dinner at the Teague House tonight," Davison said.

"He couldn't ask me that himself," Clark's coldness turned into sarcasm. He headed for the stairs followed closely by Davison.

"He has been trying to reach you for hours but you weren't at your penthouse and your cell phone was turned off…"

"Tell him I won't be able to make it," Clark entered the hallway, loosening his tie.

"Your father has specifically said that you need to attend that dinner at any cost, and he also asked me to tell you to contact him as soon…" Davison's sentence was left incomplete as Clark interrupted him again.

"First of all there was no need for you to be here, because you know very well that I want to be left alone during this ridiculous holiday crap," Clark said angrily as he opened the double doors of the study, "So you could have just picked up the phone and left a message at my office,"

"Yes I know Mr. Luthor but…" Davison made a vain attempt of an argument again but when Clark turned around and gave him an intimidating glare he forgot what he wanted to say.

"And secondly," Clark pointed a finger at Davison's chest, "I know that my father has sent you here to keep an eye on me, so you really don't need to make up all these absurd excuses because my cell phone isn't turned off and dad knows very well that I was in my office for the whole damn day and he could've easily contacted me,"

"Mr. Luthor I…" Davison had started to feel as if he was fighting a futile battle, also a very dangerous one because the younger Luthor was now almost ready to grab him any minute and throw him against the wall, and being a loyal servant of the Luthor household for years, Davison knew very well that Clark Luthor was fully capable of doing that, and much more.

"Get lost," Clark snapped. His tensed jaws and his cold and menacing glare were enough to send a shiver down Davison's spine.

"Clark, you know very well why your father wants you to attend that dinner, he doesn't want you to be alone on Christmas," Davison pushed his luck one last time.

"He won't be,"

Both men looked in the direction of the voice and Davison's eyes widened in shock as he saw the red-haired young woman who stood at the door. Davison could picture Lionel's anger when he was going to tell him that Tess Luthor was back in Clark's orbit.

"Now go be a good lapdog and tell daddy dearest that I got back from the hellhole he sent me to, and I'm with Clark," she walked into the study.

"Ms. Luthor," Davison acknowledged her with a nod and then looked at Clark.

Clark gave his head a slight tilt that messaged Davison that he approved of what his step-sister had just said.

"Very well," Davison let out a resigned sigh and rushed out of the study.

"Why are you here Tess?" Clark asked as he took off his cufflinks and put them on the glass table.

"No welcome back, no Merry Christmas," she reached behind him and her hands wrapped themselves around his waist as she put her head against his back, "How rude,"

He removed her hands from his body and turned around to face her.

"I want to be alone right now," he said coldly.

"No you don't," Tess put her hands around his neck and tried to pull him into a kiss.

He roughly grabbed her wrists and pushed her back.

"What part of I want to be alone did you not get?" he gritted his teeth.

"What's the matter Clark?" Tess asked angrily, "Afraid of dad? What happened to showing him that you're your own man now… you know that he wants to tear us apart, he's scared that we'll take over his empire if he lets us stay together…"

"Tess, leave me alone or I'll throw you out," he threatened her in a chilling voice as he took a step towards her.

His huge and intimidating form suddenly towered over her and she quickly stepped back, scared.

"Clark you don't have to…"

"Out," he yelled at the top of his voice.

"You're a moron and a coward," tears left her eyes before she stormed out of the study.

He used his super hearing to listen to the sound of her Porsche speeding out of the Luthor Estate in order to make sure that she was gone, because if she hadn't by now, he'd have gone outside and made sure that she won't stop before reaching Metropolis. The staff of the mansion had already left yesterday to spend holiday with their families. There was no one left in this huge castle now except him. He was alone. _Completely alone. _

He walked out of the study and went to his bedroom. He closed the double doors of the huge bedroom, threw away his tie on the bed and unbuttoned his shirt before opening the bottom drawer of the nightstand. He took out a small lead box from the drawer and hesitated for a few moments before he opened it.

"Aaarrggh," a subdued cry of pain immediately left him as he opened the box that was filled with green meteor rocks.

The rocks began to glow and a sharp and unbearable pain spurted through his body like a wave of electricity. His muscles tensed and he felt as if someone was slowly tearing his flesh apart, piece by piece. He fell back on the bed and grunted and breathed heavily as beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead.

A flash of red shined momentarily in his eyes and then subsided. He closed the box and threw it on the pillow before he shut his eyes and kept lying on the bed until his heartbeat gradually returned to normal.

He knew that the effects of the red substance that the doctors at Cadmus Labs had injected him with had left his body now. His father had never told him what that drug was made of. The only thing he knew was that meteor rocks were involved. He didn't need to know any further and he had never tried to either. What he did eventually learn was that the green meteor rocks somehow eliminated the red's influence from his body.

He knew very well that this was what his dad had been afraid of. It was the reason why he had sent Davison to make sure that he won't use the green meteor rocks. Lionel knew that he'll do this tonight. It was that crappy Christmas time again after all.

He opened his eyes and gazed at the chandelier in the center of the beautifully carved ceiling, until his eyelids started to flutter. He closed his eyes and silently waited for those memories to come back to him.

"Clark, sweetheart,"

Her soft and soothing voice hit his ears and he suddenly started to feel safe. No one had ever said his name with so much love before her, or after her for that matter.

It was one of his earliest memories of Christmas. It was one of the few memories of his childhood that he couldn't let go of. He knew that it was deplorable of him to hold those worthless moments close to him. It was cowardly and un-Luthor like as his dad would always put it. Yet, there was nothing he was able to do about it. Those memories would come back to him every Christmas and no matter how hard he tried not to relive his childhood, he always ended up doing it. He knew that by next morning, he'd have that red drug in his veins again and all these thoughts would seem preposterous to him, but for tonight, he wanted to put his aside Luthor pride and remember his mother.

"Wake up honey," the tall, blonde woman said.

"It's too early," the five year old boy complained as he looked at her with half open eyes and then pulled the blanket over his head.

"Yes but its Christmas," she pulled the blanket away from his beautiful face, "Don't you want to open your presents,"

He quickly threw away the blanket and sat up excitedly, his green eyes shined with the glow of sudden joy.

"So can I give Lex the watch I bought for him?" he asked.

"Yes you can," she laughed, "And your brother has a gift for you too, don't you want to see what it is?"

He nodded hard.

"Then come," she said.

She took his hand and brought him downstairs to the study where Lex waited for him with an unusual gift. It was a small box. Lex told him some story about it being made out from the armor of St. George, the dragon slayer. Clark held the box tightly against his chest as he intently listened to the story narrated by his elder brother. His mother sat near the fireplace and looked at them with a smile on her face. They were so happy and blissful in that moment, until that dark shadow ruined everything.

"Clark,"

It was the one voice that halted everything in his universe. The one voice that filled his heart with nothing but a terrible fear.

"Yes daddy," he replied meekly as he glanced through his thick eyelashes at the man who stood above his head.

"I have been told that the painting on the stairs wall was set on fire yesterday while you were playing there," Lionel asked, "Is that true?"

"Yes daddy," Clark's voice sank.

"Did you cause that fire?" Lionel asked.

"Lionel, for Heaven's sake," his mother interrupted the interrogation, "He's just a child, how can he control these strange abilities that keep cropping up,"

"Lillian stay out of this," Lionel warned his wife while his gaze was still fixed on Clark.

"Please Lionel I beg you to leave him alone," Lillian pleaded, "If you can't spend the holiday with your the children like all the other fathers in this world then the least you can do..."

Lionel looked at his wife angrily.

"I am not like the other fathers in this world and these boys are not just any children, they're Luthors, and they are going to learn what it means to be one, they're born to rule, to become leaders of the world," Lionel's gaze came back to Clark, "And they will learn that there is a price to pay when they don't listen to their father,"

"What happened to that painting Clark?" Lionel asked in a cold, expressionless voice that ran a shiver down his spine.

He knew that he would have to endure the punishment no matter what explanation he would give to his dad. He knew very well that there was no power in the world that could save him from his dad but still for some reason, he looked at his mother for help.

"Look me in the eye," Lionel yelled.

Clark jumped in response and his gaze quickly came back to his father.

"You did it, didn't you?" Lionel asked sternly.

"I… I didn't mean to, I promise," Clark was trembling now.

"Stop this," Lionel knelt down and grabbed his arms, "Stop trembling like a leaf, you know how much I hate it when you do this, you're a Luthor, you aren't supposed to be afraid of anything… now just tell me, did you do it?"

"Yes I did," Clark replied, trying his best to sound calm over the fear that filled his heart.

"No, no dad, he's lying, he didn't do it," Lex suddenly intervened in a vain attempt to protect his little brother.

"Silence Lex," Lionel's tone held an unmistakable warning.

"But dad…" Lex tried once again.

"Lex, leave this room right now," Lionel ordered him.

Lex didn't move.

"Now," Lionel yelled.

Lex ran out of the study and Lionel's attention turned towards Clark again who had just lost the hope that his elder brother would come to his rescue.

"Clark, didn't we agree that whenever you are able to do something strange or different you will come to me and tell me immediately… hmmm?" Lionel asked.

"We did," Clark replied.

"Lionel for Heaven's sake leave him alone," Lillian tried to grab Lionel's shoulder but he pushed her away.

"You're coming with me," Lionel grabbed his hand.

"Lionel please stop," Lillian begged, "Don't do this to him,"

Tears left her eyes as she watched him being dragged out of the study. He simply left with his dad without any protest. Because that's what he had been taught by him. He was a Luthor and Luthors weren't supposed to be afraid or cry or ask for forgiveness.

He could still remember that his dad had dragged him into that room in the basement which was filled with those green meteor rocks, and then he had beaten him black and blue.

Hours later when Clark laid on his bed, alone in the dark, Lillian came to him. She wasn't supposed to. He was forbidden from seeing anyone for the next few days until his wounds would heal. No one was allowed to enter his room, except the housemaid Linda who'd help him take his bath, change his clothes and give him food.

"Mom," he was weak and broken.

She simply gathered him in her arms and held him tightly against her chest.

"Clark, sweetheart, I am so sorry," she whispered in his ears as she rocked him back and forth, "You poor thing, you poor child,"

His body was bruised and hurting all over. Yet when she held him like that, tightly in her embrace, it somehow soothed his pain.

"I don't know who your real parents were, but I am sure they sent you here to be safe," she said, "They didn't sent you here to be treated like this,"

It was all so conflicting. Dad used to tell him that it was supposed to make him stronger and help him become a very powerful man when he grew up but mom always got so upset whenever dad would beat him.

"Dad said that I deserved it," he lifted his head and looked at his mother, "He said it is for my own good, or else my mistakes will make me weak,"

He repeated the words that his father had said to him while beating him. She shook her head and combed back his thick black hair with her delicate fingers. He liked it so much when she did that. He wished he could always stay with her, in her arms, protected and safe.

"No dear," she said, "You don't deserve this, you deserve to become a great man, a hero, there's so much good you can do in this world,"

She put him back on the bed and pulled the blanket over him.

"Is it hurting too much?" she asked softly.

He simply nodded.

"But you'll get better after some time, as your wounds heal," she assured.

He nodded again.

"Good night," she placed a kiss on his forehead.

"Good night," he replied, exhausted.

After she left, he pulled the blanket over his head and let the tears fall from his eyes.

After all these years, he could still feel those wounds on his body. Even though his wounds healed without leaving any scars, their place was always taken by new ones, and then the cycle repeated itself again, and again.

He was brought back from the labyrinth of his memories when his cell phone buzzed. He opened his eyes and looked at the caller ID. As he had expected, it was Lionel. He looked at the screen for a moment and then disconnected the call. Clark knew why he didn't want him to be alone. He knew what he'd be doing and he hated it.

"_Trying to relive old memories doesn't help you conquer the world, it only makes you weak and indecisive, emotions are your biggest enemy," Lionel's voice echoed in his head._

Even when his dad wasn't around, his influence was always present and it was always stronger than any drug that he could possibly force into his system. But tonight, he won't listen to that voice in his head. It was the one night when his mother's memory became more powerful than his dad's presence.

He stepped out of his bedroom and went upstairs. The upper story usually remained deserted unless Lionel was in Smallville. Clark's old nursery, his brother's room and his mother's room were all up here. He rarely ever came here, except tonight off course.

"Clark," his mother's voice echoed in the hallway and he closed his eyes again.

He was ten year old then. Lex had arrived from the boarding school a week earlier and they'd been planning a surprise party for their mom. They had secretly invited some of their closest family friends and also bought a gift for her, a beautiful necklace from her favorite jeweler in Metropolis.

The party never happened though.

Four days before Christmas Eve, Clark stood in his father's office. His hands were folded on his chest and his heart was thumping uncontrollably. Lionel stood in front of him with his hands tied on his back and his eyes filled with anger.

"I told you to completely destroy the Russell Pharmaceuticals warehouse but Davison has informed me that you didn't do as you were told, why Clark?" Lionel inquired grimly.

"I did as you asked," Clark replied, looking straight into his father's eyes, "I set the warehouse on fire,"

"You only set one portion of the building on fire," Lionel corrected him angrily, "They were able to put it out before it could spread and do the damage I wanted, because you turned out to be such an inept fool, why didn't you destroy the entire premise as I told you?"

"Dad… there were people in the building," he hesitatingly replied, "They would have died,"

"And that's exactly what I wanted, they're our competitors, our enemies, the people who are trying to drag our company into court, and they would've been easily killed if you hadn't been such a pathetic failure," Lionel snapped, "Clark you need to realize the enormity of the power that you possess, you need to stop listening to your heart son… great men are not remembered for their consciences, they're remembered for their victories, when you want to conquer something there's no price that is too big to pay… when are you going to learn this?"

Lionel angrily picked up a box from his table and opened it, revealing the green meteor rocks. Clark immediately doubled over in pain and relegated to the floor.

"Dad…" he pleaded weakly.

"Do you know how easily Luthor Corp could have gotten out from this lawsuit if you had simply wiped out our opponents from existence?" Lionel yelled while he threw those rocks all around him. Clark shut his eyes tightly, knowing what was about to come.

He didn't know for how long his dad beat him. He could take the beating, if only dad would remove those rocks away. The intensity of the pain caused by the meteor rocks became unbearable with each passing moment. It was perhaps an hour before his mother ran into the room and threw herself over his limp and bruised body.

"Lionel stop, for God's sake I beg you, please," Lillian cried.

"Get out of my way Lillian," he yelled.

"Mom… please…" he said weakly. He wanted to tell her to leave him alone, to let him endure his punishment, but he didn't have the strength to speak.

The last thing he remembered was Lex and his mother trying to get him into his bed before he passed out.

When he woke up his mother sat next to his bed. He turned his head and looked at her.

"How are you Clark?" she asked softly.

"I am fine," he replied.

"You can tell me the truth sweetheart, you're not an invincible Luthor when you're in front of your mom, you're just my little boy," a tear left her eye.

"I'm really fine," he tried to assure her that he wasn't in any pain.

"There's something I want to say to you Clark, and I may not get the chance after tonight," she said with a sudden determination.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I just want you to know Clark that I… I love you and I think that you're a wonderful boy," she said, "You have these amazing abilities which you can use to help people, to do some really good things in the world,"

"But dad says that doing good things doesn't make you a great leader," he said.

"Off course it does Clark, a man who is loved by everyone for his good deeds can become a great leader, he can become a hero… you can become a hero without making people fear you, without using your strength to make them fall on your knees," Lillian said, "Promise me that you'll never forget this, that you will always remember your mother's words even when you grow up,"

"I promise," he said.

Lillian wasn't sure if he even fully understood what she had said but she still had this small hope that perhaps if Lionel wouldn't succeed in completely wiping out every shred of humanity that Clark had in him, he might grow up to become the man she saw in him.

"Good bye Clark," she kissed his forehead.

"Why are you saying good bye?" he asked, "Is dad sending me away to the boarding school?"

"No sweetheart, I'm leaving," she said.

"Where are you going?" he jerked up from the bed but immediately recoiled at the sudden surge of pain that leaped through his entire being. Lillian helped him lie down again and pulled the blanket over him.

"I can't tell you right now," she gently touched his cheek and looked at him lovingly for a few moments before leaving the room.

Clark had no idea where she was going. He wanted to beg her to not leave. He wanted to cry and scream but he reminded himself that wasn't supposed to do that. Besides, mom couldn't possibly be gone for long. She would miss him and Lex way too much to stay away from them, he assured himself.

He could hear Lillian's soft footsteps in the corridor and then her whisper reached his ears.

_"Please God protect my boys, please keep them safe,"_

It was a new ability that he had started to develop in the past few weeks. He was able to hear things from really long distances, even the faintest of voices.

He finally focused his hearing on the one thing that brought him peace. His mom's heartbeat. Every night, he'd listen to it before going to sleep. However that night, some other voices involuntarily reached his ears when he tried to listen to her heartbeat.

"How could you do this Lillian?" Lionel's voice was full of anger.

"After everything that you've done to me, and to the boys you still have the nerve to ask me this Lionel?" Lillian asked scornfully.

"For God's sake Lillian, I have given you everything that a woman could dream for," Lionel's voice rose, "And in return you were planning to kill my unborn child… our child… a Luthor?"

"I won't bring another Luthor into this world," her voice cracked.

"The hell you won't," he yelled, "I can't believe you were going for an abortion without even letting me know that you were pregnant,"

"I was such a fool," she scoffed, "How could I let it slip that I am surrounded by your spies all the time,"

"And you can see why I never trusted you," he said, "You're going to go through this pregnancy and this child will be born Lillian, do you hear me?"

"No," she said firmly.

"I'll make sure of it," he said.

"Why do you even need another child Lionel?" she asked angrily, "Look what you've done with Lex and Clark, Lex is gradually becoming paranoid because of the way you've abandoned him in your obsession with Clark's powers… and Clark… that poor boy suffers so much in your hands,"

"You have no idea how powerful he is, if I don't keep him in check, he'd kill us all," Lionel said.

"I could never for a moment believe that Clark can harm anyone, he's not a murderer but I'm sure you'll turn him into one," she said, "Sometimes I wish he had better luck, I wish he was found in that field by some simple farmers instead,"

"I'd have taken him away from anyone who'd have found him Lillian, this boy was sent here for me," Lionel said firmly.

"Off course, how can I ever forget your fixation with Veritas and that traveler thing?" her voice trembled in anger.

"I wanted you to be a strong mother for the boys, I hoped that you'd help me prepare them for what I want them to become, but you have disappointed me so much Lillian," Lionel said.

"Not as much as you've disappointed me," she replied, "I would never have married you, if only I had known that you were such a monster…"

_Slap._

Clark forgot all about his pain and jerked up from his bed. He was ready to run into his parents' bedroom until he realized that there was nothing that he could do to help her.

"No, no dad, please don't hurt her," he whispered in desperation.

He tried to listen again but all he could hear were her sobs. He sat in his bed and tried to focus on her heartbeat once again. It had become faster and unsteady. He didn't know what to do. Should he go to her? Should he leave her alone?

"I am going to Italy tomorrow," Lionel said, "In my absence, Davison will escort you to Metropolis and arrange your appointment with Dr. Stewart,"

Lillian didn't reply. Clark heard his dad's footsteps in the corridor and then the sound faded into complete silence. His hearing once again came back to his mother's heartbeat which was gradually returning to normal. He put his head back on the pillow, closed his eyes and fell asleep listening to the steady rhythm of her heartbeat as if it were a lullaby.

He had no idea for how long he slept. He woke up with the sound of the alarm clock in the hallway and the first thing that crossed his mind was to listen to his mother's heartbeat to make sure she was okay. However his attempt was met with an utter silence. It was as though her heart had stopped beating. Panicked, he threw away his blanket and jumped out of his bed. A sharp pain rose from various corners of his body but he managed to overcome it as he staggered out of his room.

"Lex, Lex," he yelled his elder brother's name and banged his fists on his door.

"What happened?" Lex opened the door.

"Something is wrong with mom," he was breathless.

Both boys ran towards their parents' bedroom and threw the door open. Lillian was lying on her bed as if sleeping peacefully.

"She's asleep," Lex looked at his younger brother, surprised.

"No, something is wrong with her," Clark ran towards her bed and shook her arm, "Mom,"

For a moment, Lex thought that his little brother had gone crazy with all the beating and torture. He was sure that his mom will wake up any moment.

"Mom, mom, wake up," Clark violently shook her by her arm and shoulder but she didn't wake up.

Lex hesitantly reached his mother's bed and turned on the lamp that rested on the nightstand. He gently turned her around on her back and then a scream stifled in his throat as he saw the blood that had dripped down her mouth and pooled near her chin.

"Mom," Clark cried.

The housekeeper rushed into the room, followed by the mansion's security guards. She gasped and put a hand on her mouth as soon as she saw Lillian.

"Mom… mom…" Lex suddenly began to shout hysterically.

The last thing Clark remembered from that night was Lex yelling at the top of his lungs while being dragged into his bedroom by the mansion's staff.

Lillian was buried the very next day. Clark had later found out that Lionel hadn't allowed any autopsy to be performed on her. Everyone was told that she had died of medicine reaction. No one ever found out that she had committed suicide. Lionel never said a word to anyone about her pregnancy and neither did Clark. The secret that his and Lex's unborn sibling had died with their mom was still buried in his heart.

He came back to the present when he entered his mom's bedroom that had been untouched since her demise. He could still hear her sobs in that empty room. He sat down on the floor next to her bed. He closed his eyes and countless voices started to reach his ears. Beneath the mind numbing silence of this castle, the world out there was full of happiness tonight.

He had never craved for happiness since his mother's death. She was the only ray of hope for him throughout his dark childhood, the only person in his life who knew the pain and fears that he kept hidden deep inside him. Once she was gone, there was no reason for him to try to be good. She gave him hope and inspired him to become someone she could be proud of, but once she took away that hope from him, he fully became his father's son. He became what Lionel had been trying to turn him into for years. The ruthless employer, the cruel animal who lived only for himself, the heartless creature who wouldn't think twice before ruining someone's life. After his mother's death, his only aim in life was to live each day as if it was a battle for him to conquer.

Few days after his mother's funeral his dad sent him away to Cadmus Labs and that was the first time he was injected with that crimson serum. The moment that drug rushed into his veins, it was as if all his pain and despair evaporated. The feelings of love and fear were replaced by anger and conceit. It was as if he no longer had that unknown burden on his shoulders.

_"You're a God among men, the man of tomorrow,"_

The meaning of his father's words finally dawned on him. He gradually became aware of the truth that he could easily bend anyone to his will. Everything was in his reach. Everyone was helpless against his strength and his power. He finally realized that the only person who had known this all along was his father.

Since then he had done everything to please him, he had done everything he had wanted from him. And he was happy to do his bidding. To be able to flaunt his power. To make people fall on their knees.

Yet when Christmas came, all of that started to ring hollow. He had no idea why his mother's memory so powerfully took over him in these days. Her words haunted him and reminded him of the promise he had made to her. A feeling of apathy suddenly took over him as he rose from the floor and super speeded out.

He could have gone to any place in the world within seconds yet he chose to roam the streets of the small town where his mother was buried. He continued to wander aimlessly on the snow covered roads until he came across one building that suddenly chained his feet to the ground.

It was the Lillian Luthor Memorial Hospital that his father had built in Smallville in the memory of his _beloved_ wife. The only time Clark had been there was three years ago when his dad had made him attend a fundraiser organized by the hospital's staff on the day of his mother's death anniversary.

_"Showing some social responsibility never hurts son," his dad had said off his incredulous look, "Its brings good press and you can't have enough of that," _

He had begrudgingly showed up at the event but his mother's memories had occupied him throughout the evening. Even his red wonder drug hadn't been able to help him. He had sworn that he'd never visit this place again. But tonight he had somehow ended up here he felt as if some unknown force was pulling him inside.

He entered the hospital and walked through the lobby towards the elevator. Most of the staff had left for the holiday and the hallway was almost deserted, except for a couple of desk clerks at the reception who looked at him in astonishment as if he were a ghost.

He got out of the lift on the second floor and walked into the hallway, having no clue where he was going until he suddenly heard a faint laughter in the deafening silence. His super hearing inadvertently picked up on the voice and then his ears filled with the heartiest laughter of a woman that he had ever heard.

He had no idea what overcame him when he followed the direction of the voice and ended up in front of the children's ward. From the dark hallway where he stood, he looked inside through the large window. The entire ward was decorated with lights and a Christmas tree stood in one corner of the room. All the children in the ward were gathered around two women who sat on a bed in the center of the ward.

He recognized the tall brunette immediately. She was Lois Lane, the Daily Planet reporter famous for her Luthor-hatred. While most of the newspapers and news channels in the country were either owned by Luthor Corp Media or lived under a constant threat of hostile takeover and strictly avoided printing anything that might antagonize the Luthors, she was among those journalists who wrote openly and fearlessly against Luthor Corp's _'heinous crimes'_ as she labeled them.

The shorter woman, the blonde one also appeared familiar but he couldn't remember where he had seen her. His gaze came back to Lois Lane who wore a dark blue blouse with a pair of jeans and her hair was loosely tied in a ponytail. A little boy of about four years sat on her lap. His right hand was restricted in a sling and held him protectively with her arms around him. The boy turned his head and said something in her ear that made her burst into laughter.

He immediately triggered his super hearing to listen to it again. For some insane reason, the sound of her laughter reminded him of his mother. He was almost envious of the pure joy and happiness on Lois's face. He wondered if it was possible to capture and possess it and tuck it someplace safe.

The children were intently listening to some story told by a little girl who sat in front of the women. When she finished, everyone clapped and cheered.

"My turn, my turn," a small boy who sat next to the blonde woman jumped in excitement.

"All right, all right, everyone quiet, now Jason will tell a story," she instructed the children.

Meanwhile Clark's eyes were still fixed on Lois's face. The reporter who was a thorn on Luthors' side, one of _'the Perry White protégés'_ as his dad condescendingly called her and her other peers who worked for the Daily Planet.

Clark had offered her a job at Luthor Corp Media once, and not only had she stubbornly refused, she had also insulted him for even thinking about making her such an offer. He vividly remembered how incredibly arousing he had found her anger. He'd surely have grabbed her and kissed the hell out of that voluptuous mouth of hers if they weren't in that conference hall with five hundred journalists from all over the world around them. After she stormed away he had told himself that she wasn't worth his attention. Still, her rejection and arrogance always stung him. He wanted to destroy her and her precious Daily Planet.

Yet looking at her right now, he was unable to feel even traces of the hate that he supposedly nurtured in his heart against her. He was unable to tear away his gaze from her face. He had to admit that she was a really beautiful woman.

He couldn't remember when was the last time since reaching puberty that he had revered a woman or admired her beauty. He was used to looking at women like a predator looks at its prey, as a mere means to fulfill his primal urges, to satisfy his lust and his animalistic desires. He'd lure them to the nearest available bed, spread their legs, thrust himself inside them and then forget their names and faces as soon as he'd leave them. If it weren't this wretched night, this was exactly what he would have been doing right now.

Yet this woman, this Lois Lane somehow unknowingly dragged him back to those times when a woman's laughter or a smile or a feeling of joy meant something to him. He couldn't fathom why his subconscious had formed a connection between Lois and his memories. He eventually concluded that it was merely due to the absence of his red drug in his veins.

Lois and her companion were now opening the children's presents for them. Laughter and happiness filled the entire ward and the children clapped and jumped with excitement on receiving their gifts. That little boy was still in Lois's lap and watched eagerly while she opened a small package.

The memory of the times when he and Lex opened their Christmas presents in front of the fireplace in the study flashed before his eyes. The smile on Lois's lovely face reminded him of his mother who used to sit near the fireplace and watch them. For a moment he pictured Lois sitting by the fireplace with that boy in her arms.

He scoffed inwardly at the absurdity of his thoughts yet he still couldn't tear away his eyes from her face.

"I haven't laughed this much in years," Lois said to the blonde woman.

"What happened to the workaholic reporter who was ready to throttle me when I asked her to volunteer for a good cause," she remarked sarcastically.

"All right fine, I was a little cranky," Lois looked apologetic, "But the story I was working on is way past its deadline and I needed to finish it tonight,"

"Lois, it's Christmas, nobody works on Christmas," she rolled her eyes.

"Except when you have an article with Pulitzer written all over it lying unfinished on your desk," Lois pointed out, "And by the way, you still haven't told me what inspired you to go all Mother Teresa this Christmas?"

"Let's just say that a fair amount of kicking and screaming was involved," the blonde woman admitted, "The HR guys at the Planet asked me to sign up at the last minute when one of their volunteers suddenly met an accident,"

Clark's hearing strayed from their conversation and picked up on something else. He did the one thing that he'd never done after his mother's death. For the first time ever since he had lost her, he listened to a heartbeat. _Lois's heartbeat._

It didn't make any sense but then, neither did any of his actions tonight. The feeling of tranquility that had been alien to him for years suddenly came back to him. It was as if he didn't want anything before or after this moment. His mother's last words to him suddenly echoed in his mind and the world of his majestic ambitions, strategies and manipulations became insignificant in comparison to this one moment. He wanted to stay here forever and hold on to this peace that had been inadvertently gifted to him by the last person that he could have expected.

He rested his head against the cold glass of the window and stared intently at Lois when his cell phone suddenly buzzed. He let out a frustrated sigh when he looked at the screen. He knew his dad wasn't going to give up any time soon so he finally picked up the phone.

"Clark, where are you?" Lionel asked.

Clark didn't reply, much to the wrath of his father.

"Answer me Clark," Lionel commanded sternly but he still didn't get any reply.

"Where are you?" this time he asked softly, "You've used the green meteor rocks again haven't you? You have really disappointed me Clark, do you want to ruin our entire effort? Do you want to destroy your destiny with your own hands?"

_Silence again._

"Clark is your sister with you?" Lionel asked after a moment's pause.

_Beat._

"You cannot trust her Clark, she's... she's manipulating you son, trying to use you for her own advantage, she thinks she can destroy me by causing a rift between us," Lionel scoffed, "She thinks I'm responsible for her... her problems, even though I have done everything for her that a father possibly can under the circumstances,"

"She's not with me," Clark replied coldly.

"Good," Lionel said, "Now tell me where you are? I am worried about you Clark, this... this yearly breakdown, it needs to stop son, you need to let go of this,"

"I shouldn't have let mom die," Clark's voice was full of anguish.

"Stop this nonsense Clark, there was nothing you could have done, she made her own decision, a cowardly decision, sadly," Lionel said.

"Don't talk about her like this," Clark's jaw tensed in anger.

"All right, fine, I won't" Lionel sounded as if he was trying to soothe a small child, "I am sorry Clark, now tell me where you are?"

Clark didn't pay attention to Lionel's words as the sound of Lois's heartbeat took over his hearing. For some reason that one sound intoxicated him more strongly than any drug ever could.

"Clark," Lionel's voice pulled him out of his trancelike state, "You are making this difficult for me son, don't do this to yourself, do you really want to end up like Lex?"

Clark scoffed at that.

"What will you do? Lock me up in a padded cell to rot like you've done with Lex?" he said, "You can't do that to me dad, I may be a pawn in your game of chess, but I am a very important piece, you can't just eliminate me like that, we both know that you need me,"

"Off course I need you, you are my son," Lionel said firmly, "And I am glad to hear that you know your worth, we Luthors should never underestimate ourselves,"

Clark didn't reply.

"Now come back to the mansion," Lionel said, "Dr. Evans is there and he would like to see you,"

_To inject you with that power drug again that makes you carry out my malicious orders without restraint. To make you my slave again._

"Are you coming or would I have to ask Davison to send men to bring you back?" Lionel's voice went from stern to chilling.

"I am coming," Clark said after a moment's pause.

"Good," Lionel let out a relieved sigh and disconnected the call.

Clark had no intention of disobeying Lionel anyway. He needed that red drug back in his system. He had become used to it. Life became so much liberating when that red substance ran through his body. Things became much easier when he was able to subjugate those despicable emotions and memories. There was simply nothing that could hold him back then. He became the man who lived for his own pleasures. He took whatever he wanted and destroyed anyone on a whim.

He knew very well that the only way for him to survive was to fit himself into the world of his father's ambitions, and that drug designed by his father's researchers at the Cadmus Labs helped him do exactly that.

Christmas was almost over and so was his state of abstraction. His eyes went back to Lois who was laughing and singing along with the children. He glanced at her one last time before he returned to his world to become a Luthor again.

**End.**


End file.
